I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
