Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
