Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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