I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
