So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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