she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
