for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
