upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
