dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
