I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
