Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
