I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
