He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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