I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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