Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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