Apparently you make a good broom.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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