he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
