is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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