I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
