Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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