she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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