she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
