i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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