WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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