sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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