everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
