I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
