i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
