from now on my penis is your penis
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to calm my uterus...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
