I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
