Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
