he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
