My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
