every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
