mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I want to fling myself into the sun
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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