Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
