gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
