Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
