I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
