: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Did I show you my penis last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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