Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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