I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
