i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Houston, we have a blender
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Randomize
