no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
