i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You left your phone here
Wait...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
