i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
