i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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