i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A+ Viking dick
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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