I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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