You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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