checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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