my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
