We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
