I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
