I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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