I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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