well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
